Time for a Game!
I'm going to list 10 hypothetical trends that may be in style during any given season. It's your job to identify which ones are appropriate for a woman over a "certain age."*
*If you think for a second that I'm going to give you a number to define "a certain age," you're crazy. For some women it will be 35; for others, 75. You'll have to make up your own mind on this one, babe.
1. Crocodile Bags
2. Trumpet Skirts
3. Sequins
4. Red Shoes
5. Tube Tops
6. Short Shorts
7. Herringbone
8. Cocktail Rings
9. Babydoll Dresses
10. Lucite Stilettos
Answer: 1, 2, 3, 4, 7, 8.
Answer if you're Cher, Dolly Parton, or Tina Turner: 1-10.
The rules aren't really that difficult to comprehend. After a "certain age," don't show too much of your breasts, or your navel or your inner thighs. (That explains numbers 5, 6, and 9.) Doing so makes you look like you're competing with 22-year-olds. And trust me, you don't not what to go there -- because 22-year-olds, with their perky breasts, supple skins, and flat abs ALWAYS WIN. It's best to take the high road and continually remind yourself that "life experience" is just as attractive as physical perfection. (Of course, that's a lie but you would not believe the crap you can get your brain to swallow with enough repetition.)
The other rule is: Ask yourself, "Would a partially toothless hooker named Whistles enjoy this trend?" If so, avoid it like the clap. (See number 10.) Other examples of whore-tastic trends, should they ever become stylish, microminis, any garment made of rubber, and T-shirts that say things like, "Moustache rides gladly accepted." Once again, it's best to take the high road and let the world think you're classy, even if you're easier than the Star magazine crossword puzzle.
Learn more tips and trends for how to dress, entertain and decorate in Clinton Kelly's Freakin' Fabulous.
About the Author
Clinton Kelly is the author of Freakin' Fabulous, the co-host of TLC's popular show What Not to Wear, a spokesperson for Macy's, and a motivational speaker who has successfully talked thousands of women out of wearing stirrup pants. He received a master's degree in journalism from Northwestern University and has worked as an editor at several noted fashion publications, including Marie Claire, Mademoiselle, and DNR, a weekly men's trade magazine. Originally from Long Island, he lives in New York City. (Copyright © 2008 Clinton Kelly)
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