From the moment I spied Jordan,* with her dark hair and kooky glasses, on our first day of college orientation, I knew she would be That Friend. The one who would listen to me blubber after my dating disasters and have me laughing my head off by the end of the night. The one who would huff beside me at the gym and go along with many ill-fated experiments, like our infamous Friday Night Jell-O Shot Dinner Party. And for a long time, she was.
But in addition to having a wicked sense of humor and a life-of-the-party aura, Jordan was a consummate flake, a quality that came into sharp focus after college, when work demands made girls' night trickier to plan. We both got married, and while my husband and I remained happily child-free, she got pregnant right away. We lived about five minutes away from each other, yet I saw her about as often as Amy Winehouse changes her eyeliner. Soon my real-life BFF was nothing more than a postage-stamp-sized photo on my Facebook page.
Buds on the Rocks
Behind the warm fuzzies of women's friendship lies this reality: Even the most loyal friend can expect to lose many pals over the course of her life, says Irene S. Levine, Ph.D., author of Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Break-up with Your Best Friend. Losses can be triggered by moves, marriage and pregnancy, evolving interests or career changes, or something as serious as X sleeping with Y when Y belongs to U.
Which is too bad, because friendships have benefits that reach far beyond having someone to go dancing with until 2 a.m. "When we're with friends, we talk, we laugh, we're active, we hug, we have skin contact. All of these can increase endorphin and serotonin production and lower blood pressure, encouraging better health and longevity," says Mary Jo Barrett, M.S.W., director of Chicago's Center for Contextual Change. Last year Harvard researchers reported that strong social ties protect against memory loss as we age.
In post-college years, though, those benefits are harder and harder to come by. In a recent survey conducted jointly by Duke University and the University of Arizona, sociologists learned that women today report having an average of only two close confidants, down from three in 1985; nearly a quarter of the women surveyed reported having no one at all in whom they could confide.
The resulting social isolation can lead to depression or worse: In another study, researchers from the University of California, San Francisco, found that among women with breast cancer, those with a large circle of friends were four times less likely to die of the disease than patients without close pals.
It's a Girl Thing
If female friendships serve such an important function, maybe that's why we get in so deep — and hurt so bad when they end. "Because women are emotionally invested, far more than most men, losing a friend can be devastating," Levine says. In fact, we're biologically hardwired for intimacy. The programming began millions of years ago as we gathered around the fire, sewing bison-skin miniskirts and protecting the cave kiddies from predators. Close, effective communication was essential for survival.
Meanwhile, men bonded while they were out hunting wild boar. Even if they weren't emotionally close, their shared purpose made them "friends," a prehistoric tradition that can be observed every Super Bowl Sunday, when packs of men sit around a TV not quite interacting but still feeling connected and content. That's why we relate more to the through-thick-and-thin brood in Sex In the City than the fist-bumping buds in The Hangover.
"Women give more; therefore, they expect more from friendship than men do," says Andrea Buchanan, editor of Note to Self: 30 Women on Hardship, Humiliation, Heartbreak, and Overcoming It All. "The expectation is that you can be emotionally vulnerable with a friend and know that your trust will be reciprocated."
Women also tend to think they'll hold onto friends for life, while men have an easier time letting go. "They'll say, 'He was great, but he turned into a jerk,' and then move on to the next guy," says psychiatrist Paul Dobransky, M. D., author of The Power of Female Friendship. "Women feel hurt when they lose a friend, even if she lied or was cruel to them."
*Name and some details have been changed.
