When she first met him in college, Ken Wilson was not the kind of guy his wife, Lisa, thought she'd go for. "I was a conservative country girl. He was a city boy," she recalls. "He never did his homework; I did mine days ahead of time." The couple's opposite outlooks weren't a problem in the early part of their relationship. In fact, both Lisa and Ken remember the years before they started a family as passionate and exhilarating.
But after 22 years of marriage, Ken and Lisa's differences have become increasingly pronounced, creating strife in the Savannah, GA, couple's relationship. A school nurse with training in psychiatry, Lisa, 45, likes to discuss people's choices and behavior — especially her own — in depth. Ken, 49, on the other hand, is a man of few words. Lisa is cautious, Ken is laid-back, and this gap leads to heated discussions about how they should discipline their children. And while Ken's hobbies and interests veer toward the daring — he enjoys skiing and scuba diving and has passed his love of these sports to the couple's teenagers, Cory, 17, and Morgan, 15 — Lisa prefers mellower pastimes such as fishing and photography. She bemoans the fact that the family's high-octane vacations sometimes make her feel like a "misfit," stuck alone on the beginner slopes while everyone else careers down black diamonds.
"Kenny and I have gotten lost," Lisa says. "I'd like to find ways we can spend time just being a couple." Ken, who owns his own truck-parts business, also yearns for alone time with his wife, as well as more affection. "I wish I felt more confident that Lisa loved me as much as I love her," he says. "And it makes me sad that she sometimes doesn't think I feel the same as I once did."
The Wilsons' experience of drifting apart is, unfortunately, very common among long-term couples with children, says Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., author of Prime: Adventures and Advice on Sex, Love, and the Sensual Years. "There's this centrifugal force that takes over when you have kids that can throw a couple out of the relationship," Schwartz notes. "Over the years, your relationship becomes a partnership to get all the 'stuff' done, and you can forget that you are also lovers and friends." Thankfully, now that their kids are getting a little older, Lisa and Ken are united in their desire to turn their attention back to their marriage.
"WE NEVER TALK HEART TO HEART."
KEN: "I think the biggest problem we have right now is our communication with each other. Sometimes I feel like Lisa thinks I feel one way and I actually feel something else entirely, and neither of us is really getting the other person. She was always better at words than I am. When I've got something going on, I pretty much say it in two or three sentences and move on. Lisa can keep going and going, and I've pretty much run out of things to say."
LISA: "I think Kenny's right that our biggest barrier in whatever we're facing — discipline, finances, even planning a vacation — always comes down to our inability to communicate effectively. He says whatever he's interested in saying, and then he's done. Unfortunately, I'm the exact opposite, and I over-discuss. I wish I could listen more and talk less, because sometimes when we're talking I feel he's thinking, God, shut up. And I'm like, 'I just want to make one more point.'"
KEN: "It seems like we communicate a little bit better when we're away from the house and distractions. When we go out to dinner — just me and her — I feel like we do a better job of talking, but that doesn't happen all that often."
LISA: "We talk very little about the future, and most days I feel like I'm on a hamster wheel going nowhere. When we first got together, I imagined us being one of those couples who would walk hand in hand at 80, but right now, I wonder if that will really happen."
