Q. A year ago I met a man who was recently divorced. Each time we make plans to spend quality time together, his ex happens to call and he ends up taking care of his child instead. At first — being a single mom myself — I understood, but now it's getting out of hand. His excuse is always "It's my kid" and "I'm just trying to be a good dad." Now our quality time comes down to whenever he can fit me in and maybe a session in the sack. When I try to walk away, he begs me to stay and tells me that he loves me like no other. But lately our relationship feels more like a booty call, and I'm too old for that. Can you help me understand why I'm allowing myself to feel so cheap?
— C.G., 40, Kansas City, MO

A. I don't think there's any deep psychological problem that causes you to subject yourself to this. The simple truth is that love makes us a little crazy.

It's great to be understanding, but you can understand something without condoning it. Your ability to empathize with your guy's desire to be a good father gives him a ready-made excuse for breaking your dates, whether he's conscious of it or not. He knows that when he plays the daddy card, you'll understand, and so you do. And because you don't walk away, he has no motivation for standing up to his ex and possibly suffering a nasty confrontation.

There's no reason on earth why he can't make concrete plans with his ex-wife about when he's going to see his kid, then honor the plans he made with you. Unless said plans include the summiting of Everest, where there's a chance he'll be out of cell range for a week or more, the man should be able to shut his phone off and go to a movie.

If his ex-wife has some last-minute thing she has to do, she can call a friend, a family member, or a babysitter. The last time I checked, paying a responsible 14-year-old girl to watch your kid for three hours doesn't make you a bad parent.

I know the situation is more complicated than this. Your guy may say that if he's forced to say no to his ex-wife, she'll turn his kid against him or won't let him see his child. He'll offer many reasons why he can't just keep his plans with you. Tell him you understand but that you think too highly of yourself to be treated this way (plus, you yourself need to be a good parent, and that involves modeling self-respect). Unless he can figure out a way to fix this, you're walking away. Your priority is to feel loved and cherished, and once you acknowledge and embrace that truth, he probably will too.

Karen Karbo is an award-winning writer and the author of How to Hepburn: Lessons on Living from Kate the Great. She's also a mom, a writing teacher, and a horse owner. For more advice from Karen, go to redbookmag.com/karenkarbo. Send your questions for Karen to: The Hard Stuff, REDBOOK, 300 W. 57th St., New York, NY 10019 or karenkarbo@redbookmag.com. Letters may be edited for clarity and length, and must include your initials, age, city, and state.

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