Dear Miss Manners,
I got married in May, 2005. About a month after we got married, my husband started having cold feet and went through a phase of trying to decide whether or not to stay married. I had started my thank you cards but we had a major blowout in July, 2005, and I thought I was going to have to send the gifts back.
We have since worked things out but after living through some more drama I have yet to send my thank you cards. Now I'm finally convinced that we'll be okay but now I think it's too late! What should I do? I feel like such a horrible person!
Gentle Reader,
Miss Manners can offer you some comfort, but not much. It is to assure you that originally, you did have a virtuous excuse for not having written letters of thanks. Technically, you could have kept the presents, since the wedding did take place, so it was all the more gracious of you to have thought of returning them shortly after the wedding.
Now here is some discomfort: The letters are still due, and even if you want to use the excuse of your doubts about whether the marriage would last, which is unlikely, you cannot burden others with it.
So you must accept the remedy of those who were culpable and trying to make amends. This is to write a letter with no excuse (the vague one of "being busy" is insulting to people who were not too busy to be generous to you) but plenty of self blame and effusive gratitude: "I have been hideously remiss in telling you how much we adore the whatzit, which is as useful as it is beautiful. Every time we see it we think of you with gratitude and pleasure…" blah blah blah.
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Dear Miss Manners,
My best friend lives half way across the country and we have stayed in touch even though it has been about five years since she has moved. This year we have had especially busy school schedules but we still make time for one another.
However, when my birthday came around she didn't even send a card, which I eagerly anticipate every year because they are always so endearing. This really upset me because she is always telling me about how let down she is by another very close friend always forgetting to call her or keep in touch.
I know she is busy, but how can I bring up, or should I bring it up at all, that she is doing to me what her other friend is doing to her? It really isn't the card that I miss, but it is knowing that I am still part of her life that I missed.
Gentle Reader,
Complaining of neglect is no more endearing in a friendship than it is in a romance. Sadly, it only makes neglect seem like a good idea.
But Miss Manners is wondering why you trust the mail more than you trust your best friend. Maybe the card was lost. But even if she forgot, you know that she has been especially busy (and never mind that you have been, too), and it seems harsh to announce that she has failed your friendship.
The way to keep her as a part of your life is to write her a cheerful note, as if nothing had happened. Miss Manners would advise waiting long enough so that you are no longer tempted to mention your birthday.
Judith Martin's latest book is No Vulgar Hotel: The Desire and Pursuit of Venice. She is also the author of Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior (Freshly Updated). She and her husband, a scientist and playwright, live in Washington, D.C. They have two perfect children, of course.
