Ask Dr. Gilda: Am I Too Short to Date?

Dear Dr. Gilda,
I am a short guy who has always been self-conscious about my height. Throughout school, everyone would tease me, which made matters worse. I married a woman who was my height, and I thought we'd waltz into the sunset together, but you can't base a long-term commitment on someone's acceptance of your physical shortcomings (no pun intended), and we divorced. Now that I'm in the online dating world, I still can't get myself to come clean about my true height. Women have told me that it is not that important, so why am I having such trouble? Does a man's size matter?
– Tired of Getting Short-Changed

Dear Tired,
No one should feel the need to apologize for being who s/he is. But if someone feels flawed, s/he will naturally project him/herself as damaged, which will dampen the possibility of a new healthy relationship.

Is being short really a handicap? It depends on whom you ask. Ask someone with a life-threatening disease, and you will get a different perspective. Ask box-office heartthrob, Tom Cruise, and note that, without apology, he went to the other extreme and married gorgeous women who are taller than he is.

The beauty of online dating is that you can decide whether you might enjoy a personality fit with someone before you get into physical details. While people naturally categorize each other according to superficial stats, these factors quickly fade when there is a deep connection. While many people do have preferences for certain physical types, these preferences often block possibilities that might be worthwhile.

Single people are less upset that someone may not look like a movie star than they are that the person lied. As my Gilda-Gram says, "There is no twilight zone of honesty. You're either honest or dishonest, without an in-between." If you fudge your personal statistics online, how will you avoid your date's reaction when the two of you meet? One man discovered his date had lied about her education, and he dumped her. A woman was furious that a man she saw twice had lied about his age. Another woman agreed to meet a man who advertised he was 5'9," but who showed up as 5'2". She refused to see him again, not because she didn't like him, which she did, but because he was dishonest. What matters most to most people is integrity. But if self-worth is shaky, integrity will be hidden from view.

This is what I suggest you do:

1. Since you have been in pain for a long time over what you perceive as this flaw, get therapy to understand that your value is more than a longitudinal measure.
   
2. Write a compelling profile of your most endearing qualities to post online. Get help from your friends who know your greatest traits.
   
3. When asked to enter your height on an online registration, be honest and proud. Accept this as the packaging with which you entered the world, and the challenge you need to work through. Growing to appreciate our unique characteristics is a mark of depth and maturity. Before attracting lasting love, you must begin your journey towards self-acceptance now.