Who doesn’t love those first idyllic months of a new relationship? You’re enamored, giddy and can do no wrong in one another’s eyes. But then whammo! One not-so-fine day the bubble bursts. He forgets a major commitment or she shows up an hour late for the third time and suddenly, instead of kissing, you’re sparring. Hello, reality.
“I tell couples that their first big fight is actually the real beginning of an intimate love affair,” says Dan Neuharth, Ph.D., a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of Secrets You Keep From Yourself: How to Stop Sabotaging Your Happiness. “Until you face — and resolve — your first major feelings of disappointment, you have an untested relationship that hasn’t yet had to develop real depth.” In other words, a little disagreeing might actually bring you closer. But that’s predicated on handling it like two mature adults.
“Given enough time, every partner will do things to disappoint or hurt you… none of us is perfect,” says Dr. Neuharth. “What matters is not that fights happen… it’s how you negotiate and repair them that’s the secret to a long, healthy, passionate relationship.” With that in mind, check out these hints for surmounting your first squabble (so you can get to your first make-up session faster).
1. Don’t name-call or finger-point. Think twice before blurting out “You’re being a complete idiot” or “This is all your fault” the minute things get heated. Why? Because even if it’s true, placing the blame squarely on your partner’s shoulders won’t resolve the fight. Instead, your sweetie’s defenses will be triggered and communication will likely be cut off. “Nothing escalates a fight faster than responding at a purely emotional level. It leads to a test of wills and boils down to who’s right, not what’s really wrong,” says Jennifer Komitee, 34, New York, NY.
And if this is how you two start your fighting dynamic, it doesn’t bode well for arguments down the road. “The more your fight contains things like name-calling, getting personal and blaming — instead of listening — the more challenges you will have facing the inevitable disagreements that arise naturally when you’re part of a couple,” says Dr. Neuharth.
2. Keep absolutes out of the conversation. Words like “always” and “never” don’t belong in a first fight, and the minute you introduce them into the conversation you risk polarizing yourselves. “You never listen to me” or “You always put me last” may be what you’re thinking, but chances are, it’s not “always” the case. In fact, there were likely more than a few times in those first glorious months when your honey was hanging on your every word and skipping important work or family events to be with you. So give the absolutes a rest. You haven’t been together long enough to pass universal judgments.
3. Use “I” messages. “If you find yourself starting many of your sentences with ‘you,’ your partner will probably get defensive or attack back,” says Dr. Neuharth. “Instead focus on your own feelings, needs and desires.” Try saying, “It would really mean a lot to me if you got to know my friends,” or “I feel hurt when you cancelled our plans at the last minute.” This kind of phrasing is especially important in a first fight because you’re still learning about each other and you need to let your partner know what you hope to get from the relationship.
4. Take a brief time-out. Sometimes the best thing you can do in a first fight is to take a moment (or longer) to cool off and collect your thoughts. “I know I have the tendency to get a little out of control when pushed too far, so in my first fight with my now-fiancé, I removed myself from the situation by taking a 45-minute shower,” says Diane Cornell, 27, New York, NY. “I not only came out really clean, but also in a much better place to discuss the issue like a mature, aware woman rather than an emotionally reactive girl.”
