It’s hard juggling a love life with raising kids — but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth the effort! And to help all of you single parents out there cultivate new relationships, we hosted a live chat with Lisa Cohn and William Merkel, Ph.D., married authors of the award-winning One Family, Two Family, New Family: Stories and Advice For Stepfamilies. Here, they answer some questions and share their expert advice about finding love… and blending families.
Q: When do you know the time is right to introduce a date to your children?
William: I think that it’s time to introduce your child to someone when you think it has a chance to become a serious relationship.
Lisa: I think it also depends on the age of the child. When children are younger they may not have a sense of what a date or a relationship is. I don’t think it would cause a lot of harm to just meet someone in the park and have him or her meet your kids there, and you get a chance to see how the person interacts with your children. But I don’t think it’s a good idea to do that with a teenager.
William: I think, finally, that it’s important to keep it casual, particularly in the beginning. Casual and low-key.
Lisa: In other words, don’t introduce her as "the girl I want to marry."
Q: If you’re a single parent who’s looking to get married pretty quickly, how do you prevent scaring dates off?
Lisa: I don’t think there’s anything wrong with just saying it — just not on the first date. Bill actually asked me on the first date, "Do you want to get married?" And I think I surprised him when I said I did want to get married and have another child. You should make your intentions clear; there’s nothing wrong with that.
William: I do think it’s true that if you say it right away, you may scare someone off, but if you wait too long, the person might feel deceived or that you’re changing the rules mid-stream. It does put a tremendous amount of pressure on dating. Rather than dating to have fun or just to meet someone, you’re dating with a clear motive, which is a pretty heavy one.
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Q: As a single mom, I don’t want to involve my kids in my dating life too soon, so this means I don’t have much free time to date — just every other weekend. Any advice?
William: It does limit your availability. It puts more of a premium on things like Internet dating that you can use at odd moments of the day, and things like cell phones, and email. There are ways to establish that first step of a connection.
Lisa: And that’s important to do.
Q: Once a single parent finds him or herself in a serious relationship, how can he or she get the ex to adjust?
Lisa: I think that you need to begin by having a frank conversation with your ex, and explain that you don’t want to hurt his or her feelings, but that you’re dating someone now. Your ex is naturally going to be concerned about how your dating will affect the kids.
William: I think it’s very important for that news of dating not to come through the child to the ex. That puts the child in a very difficult position; this should be between the grown-ups.
