Dear Lynn,
I have been with my current boyfriend for six months and cannot believe how happy we both are. We're both in our mid-20s, but have had other relationships that make us both really appreciate everything the other person has to offer.
About three months into the relationship, I was ready to say those "three little words" that I had, in the past, never said first. When someone else told me he loved me, I'd blurt it out, too, just so he wouldn't feel awkward.
But this relationship is definitely different and — when the time felt right — I was not scared to just go ahead and say it first. I didn't doubt that he'd respond in kind. (After all, his close friends told me he definitely was in love with me.) Well, I said it. And he smiled big, hugged me hard, kissed me, and said … nothing. Hurt and worried, I decided to try again about a month later. Same response.
Why is it he shows me unending love, and everyone knows he loves me, but he cannot say it at all, even when I say it first?
— He Loves Me Not?
Dear Loves Me Not,
Oh, God, that's awkward. "I said, I love you." (Tap, tap. "Is this thing on?") I'm sorry your revelation didn't go the way you'd hoped, and that those three words have now turned into: What's his deal?
Here's the good news: You have no idea what his deal is. No really, that's good. "I love you" is, for many people, a big deal — and you have no idea what personal history he has with thinking it, feeling it, and above all, saying it. For some, "I love you" rolls right off the tongue; for others, it brings up all sorts of fears and associations — or, at least, hesitations. Maybe, in his past, he was on the receiving end of an awkward silence and now gets spooked. Maybe he's cooked up some notion that whomever he says "I love you" to is the woman he's going to marry, and right now, after only three months, that's a little much. Maybe, heck, it's some issue from his childhood. Bottom line: for whatever reason that may or may not make sense to you — he's just not ready.
The crucial distinction for you should be: is it that the feelings aren't there, or just that his words haven't quite caught up with them? From what you tell me — and what his friends tell you — it's the latter. And that, for now, is where you need to look: does he show you "unending love?" Does he show you respect, affection, passion? If so, I'd give it time. Try to wait it out (without — and this is the tricky part — letting your focus in the relationship narrow to "Will it be tonight?" or "How about now?") Reassure yourself that you two, for the moment, have different ways of expressing the same thing.
If you do sense that his moment of silence is symptomatic of something larger, then call him out — gently, and inquisitively — on that: not that you said it and he didn't, but on whatever other hints you get that maybe somehow he's pulling away from you.
Still, I doubt that's the case, at least not right now. Try to tolerate, even embrace, the mystery and anticipation—the sense that your relationship still has many places to go and ways to grow. And, for the moment, let his actions speak a thousand words.
Lynn Harris is co-creator, with Chris Kalb, of the award-winning websiteBreakupGirl.net— you can visit BG'sblogto discuss this letter! She is also the author of the new comic novelDeath By Chick Lit. A journalist and essayist, Lynn also writes about gender, dating, and culture high and low for Salon, Glamour, The New York Times, and others. In her spare time, she enjoys being married. Submit your own dating questions for Lynn atBreakupGirl.net. Your question may be answered in a future column.
