Dear Margot,
I am a devoted Christian and am determined to stay a virgin until I am married, but these days I am realizing that this might be incredibly difficult! My stance on this has caused the guys I have been involved with to be unfaithful. All the guys become frustrated or stray when they don't get to have sex or see sex in the future. Is my plan to stay a virgin until I'm married an unrealistic dream or are there guys out there who have the same plan?
— Lonely Virgin
Dear LV,
Sounds like you've had a run of bad boyfriends. Believe me, I know how depressing that can be. But rather than changing a cherished belief, let's change the way you choose who gets on your dance card in the first place.
Before we get started, I want to say that nobody — regardless of the reason — deserves an unfaithful partner. And don't think for a second that you caused this. Your desire to stick to your guns didn't kindle a date's desire to hook up with someone else. That's a choice he made on his own, a choice that speaks to his character, not yours.
At the same time, you indicate that this has happened more than once, so while you aren't the cause, you play a part. Learning to play a little differently will get you out of this slump and into the arms of Mr. Right instead of the Mr. Right Nows you've been running with.
Is finding a partner who shares your beliefs about fidelity any different than finding a partner who shares your beliefs about any other important part of your life? You are who you are, and I wouldn't want you to change a bit. So make that your first criteria for future boyfriends: someone who accepts you — and likes you — exactly as you are.
Of course, in this case, you're going to have to tell 'em who you are up front. I have a hunch that may be where you're going wrong. Sometimes, especially when we fear being rejected, we hide the part of ourselves with which we should be leading. You can't expect a guy to puzzle this out as he chats casually with you over coffee. At the same time, you don't want to wait so it comes up during an awkward moment on the couch, either.
Don't cast your chastity in the negative. Don't give him a long sad story about how you're afraid he'll cheat on you after a month of frustration. Instead, explain your choice as the positive value statement it is. And be clear that any partner you choose must hold that value, too.
This is where it gets scary, of course. Will he think you're a prude? Will he laugh? Will he get up and walk out of your life forever? Maybe so. Though it ain't easy, the answer is, “Who cares?”! Do you really want to spend another minute with a guy who doesn't respect your deepest beliefs? Seems from your letter you've already tried this and that it hasn't worked out.
Your beliefs aren't a recipe for rejection, they're the key to finding the man of your dreams. You know exactly what you think and who you want to be with. And when it comes to finding a life partner, self-knowledge beats sex every time.
Telling prospective partners about who you are and what you want is the quickest way to separate the wheat from the chaff. And there's plenty of wheat out there, don't you worry about that. Just think how hard it might be for a guy to reveal the same thing about himself. Going first might be just the signal he needs to make a commitment.
There are three rules of successful dating: Be who you are; ask for what you want; don't settle for less. Most of us spend years trying to figure out the first two, and while we're doing that, running afoul of the third. But your strong beliefs give you a head start. Don't let prior problems keep you down. The past doesn't predict the future, it informs it. And all the information you need is right there in your own heart.
Margot Carmichael Lester is a freelance writer based in the Bible belt state of North Carolina. Send your faith-based dating questions to AskMargot@match.com.
