If you've recently returned to the dating scene after the end of a relationship, your confidence may not be at an all-time high. If you could use a pick-me-up, not to mention a few tips on how to date better, let us help. We chatted with love expert Victorya Michaels Rogers, author of The Automatic Second Date: Everything to Do and Say on a First Date to Guarantee a Second. Here, her advice on how to make a successful, self-assured return to the dating pool.
Q: Let's say a person is back on the dating scene after divorce or loss of a spouse — how can he or she adopt a positive, hopeful attitude?
A: Before you jump back into the world of dating — especially after a long absence — take time to evaluate where you've been and where you want to go. You've just experienced a painful season to say the least, so allow yourself time to heal as you deliberately reflect back and look forward. It's time to love yourself first and deliberately pursue the life you always wanted!
Q: What are some good first steps?
A: Pull out a journal and reflect back on what you loved and what you hated about your love life thus far. For each previous relationship, devote one piece of paper to listing your former partner's good qualities (on the right side of the page) and his or her bad qualities (on the left).
Q: How can this exercise help someone move forward toward finding love again?
A: Making these lists can help you try to visualize the love you hope to find in your future; you vow to avoid re-experiencing the bad treatment you've received in the past, while at the same time you affirm to repeat the good. Reviewing these lists can help you compose a new list describing your ideal relationship—and by that I don't mean "someone who will ask me out." I'm talking about a list of what you specifically want to find in a companion. Reverse the negative qualities you've attracted in the past and copy the good you want to repeat, and write down everything else you can think of that would just be wonderful to find in your new mate. Be as detailed as possible so you can visualize this person, keep this precious list nearby, and review it often as you jump back into the world of dating.
Q: In your opinion, what are the best places to meet other singles who have recently returned to the dating scene?
A: I advise skipping bars and clubs and just plunging yourself into the social world around you—be it at your church, country club, charity, or a special-interest group at your community center. As you interact with more and more people, you will automatically find yourself around — and introduced to — available men and women.
Q: Can you share with us some definite "dos" to keep in mind when on a date?
A: In addition to looking and acting your best (this means adopting a positive attitude and exhibiting good manners), I always recommend asking your dates lots of questions about themselves. It's their favorite topic, and you want to know the information anyway!
