Miss Manners Column Index

I'm trying to figure out if I did the right thing in a recent awkward social situation. Any insight that I receive is appreciated. This is along the lines of the letter above regarding how more is NOT merrier for some party hosts. Here's the situation: I recently moved to the community that I am living in, and I don't know very many people yet. A friend of mine was visiting here this weekend, and she wanted to introduce me to some people that she knew in the area, to expand my social circle. A friend of a friend was hosting a party, and my friend reassured me that I was welcome to join in. Well, of course I didn't know anybody besides my friend at this gathering, and not long after I arrived, I stepped into another room. While I was in there, I could hear a conversation between the party's host and my friend, as he reprimanded her for bringing an uninvited guest to the party. The way he put it was "one is okay, but don't let this become a regular situation." Well, I certainly know when I'm unwelcome, and because I was already feeling awkward, and I didn't want this situation to ruin my friend's time with another friend, I decided to just leave. I came back into the room and took my friend aside and explained to her my intention to call a taxi to pick me up (since she and her friend had driven me, and I was trying to slip out discreetly), without telling her that I had heard the conversation. Well, her friend (not the party's host) felt badly, and insisted on providing me with a ride. I didn't want to argue or be fussy, so I accepted. Now I wonder...should I have simply stayed at the party? I thanked my friend's friends for being considerate, and I didn't want to rub anyone the wrong way or ruin anybody's good time. I don't regret leaving, but I'm not sure if I was being rude or not. If someone could give their perspective on what happened here, let me know!

To jbdjr27 -
It looks like your father is trying to use you as a ping-pong ball. He knew about your commitment to your wife's side of the family before he scheduled the surprise party, and he did it anyway.
You have to honor your commitment to your wife.
You can tell your father that you AND YOU WIFE will come when you can, IF you can, and if he really wanted you to be there, he would not have created this conflict. You and your wife are now a team, and he has no right to try to pull you apart like this.
You can expect your parents to try harder to ruin your relationship with your wife once you have children. You are a grown man now, and you have to act like an adult. That means that you have obligations, and that your parents will have to recognize boundaries. Specifically, they can have some of your time, possibly seeing them once every week on a schedule, but they cannot deliberately come between you and your wife.
Your wife's Aunt and Uncle should not have to cut their visit short, or lose out on time with you, or feel that THEY are coming between you and your wife. DO NOT LEAVE.
You can honor your mother for her birthday by inviting your parents to join you and your wife on another evening for dinner (or lunch) on a day that's good for ALL of you, at a restaurant. Most Diners will provide a good meal at a reasonable price, and provide a birthday cake too. (If your budget is tight, a fast-food place should also be okay, and cupcakes with a candle can be as good as a cake.)
Please don't let your father jerk you around, and DON'T make this hard on your wife. She has committed herself to you, and you owe it to her to treat her properly. (Can you set the table for the dinner, then clean up afterward so she can have time to socialize? Can you also wash the dishes for her?)

Ed

I'm stuck in a bad position....need advice!!!

My wife has made plans for a dinner to start at 5PM for some members of her family. The plans have been made a few weeks in advance. Attending the dinner is her aunt and uncle(also considered my relatives since were married) who lost a 21 year old son about 2 months ago. I advised my wife that I would assist with the dinner that she had planned. Now here's where I'm stuck....My father called yesterday and advised that he was planning a suprise 50th birthday party for my mother at 6:30pm the same day. My wife and my mom haven't been the best at getting along. My mom can be very moody and sometimes touchy to be around because she can change her attitude very quickly. Also inturn, my wife can be the same way, but not to the extent of my mom's, but my mom takes quickly to my wife's facial expressions. My mother has treated me sometimes wrongly with rude comments. I also know and understand that my wife would not attend  the birthday party because of my mother's past actions but I've tried explaining that she is my mother and that I'm not going to totally dismiss her from my life. My wife thinks that me not attending would make my mom realize that I don't appreciate the way she treats us sometimes. In my opinion, this is a **** for tat thing and it only opens up another can of worms. My intentions are to have dinner with her family(at our home), but to leave around 6:30pm to attend my mom's surprise party. I understand that spouse's need to realize that their relationship is first priority above all. My wife continues to tell me that she comes first and I agree!! My thoughts are, and please tell me if I'm wrong, that our aunt and uncle that recently lost there son would not oppose me attending the party after the dinner because they would understand that you should spend as much time with family as you can because you don't know when it could be gone. I believe that family can make a marriage work more smoothly. Also, there have been past issues with me not getting along with her family because during a surprise birthday party my wife made for me, her sister and husband are thought to have stolen $200 from my sister's wallet. Although not proven, I have since forgave and forgot about that situation and attend her family gatherings without any problems. My wife has also placed our dinner problems on facebook for everyone of our friends to see and facebook shows who you are and friends make comments. The only thing my wife wrote though is that "Shouldn't a spouse come before family?" I've explained that I definitely understand that your spouse comes first and feel that this, in a since, is kinda making a form of slander towards me. Also, my wife has threatened our marriage over this situation, to which I totally think is wrong. We have been married for a little over 4 years and have had our past problems and divorce has been a threat on both sides. I understand that I haven't been the best of husband's and I have totally changed my perspective on our marriage about a year and a half ago and we've been discussing having a child in our life. I am 31 years old and my wife is to turn 28 in a few weeks. I have been a correctional officer for 10 years and my wife is a nurse that travels an hour each way to work, at a hospital, along with her 12 hour days for 5 years. I worry about her travels daily because she works in the city and people drive crazy. Inturn, I have really came to the reality that life is precious and that you should spend valuable time with your spouse and family because you don't know when it all could be gone. I am looking for advise what I should do about the dinner and birthday party. I'm stuck in a bad situation and trying to make the best decision so that no one feels jaded towards me and conflicts continue to occur. If my intent is wrong, please tell me what I should do!! NEEEEEEED valuable advise on this!!!

Seekerofwisdom,
I hope you have a therapist who is helping you. Contact with your dysfunctional family will probably only add to your pain since they do not know how to be reasonable people.

I believe that you can go to any cemetery, find a spot where you are comfortable, and imagine that he is buried there. If you haven't screamed at him, told him what you think of him, wished him a permanent spot in Hell, feel free to tell him all about it. It might not be close to his grave marker, but he is under the same surface of the same planet, and he will hear you just as well as if you were standing right on top of him. And you will hear.

Please trust yourself, you have a right to have all the feelings you've been carrying around inside, and it's okay to let them out. If other people are close enough to hear, they may want to comfort you, or tell you their own stories, so decide ahead of time whether you will want to listen and talk about it with strangers. It might be helpful, and you will know immediately.

I'm sorry this happened to you, and I hope you can get past the pain and have a good life.

Ed

Miss Manners:

 

I'm an incest survivor whose father molested me from age 12.  My father recently died.  My dysfunctional family didn't inform me I found out from an embassy official.  I  want to pay my last respects.  However I don't know where he is buried.  My mother nor sister are uncommunicative. What manners are proper?