Each week, Miss Manners answers questions exclusively from the MSN audience on all of your etiquette dilemmas. (Have an issue you want help with? Send in a question today or talk about your own problems on our MissMannersmessage board.) Read on for this week's hot topics:
Dear Miss Manners,
When is it OK to not mind your own business? The other day, I was already seated on an airplane, when a family (mom, dad and approximately ten-year-old) boarded. They were seated near each other, but not together. The son had an especially hard time finding his correct seat. That's always been a pet peeve of mine -- the boarding passes and seats are clearly numbered -- so I watched, wondering how it would play out.
The son finally decided that his seat was already occupied, and the standard 'you're in my seat' hubbub ensued. The man that was 'accused' of being in the boy's seat, along with the flight attendant, finally sorted things out and everyone was seated properly.
Although 100 percent guilty of eavesdropping, and in addition, forcing a child to speak with an adult with whom he has no acquaintance, would it have been correct to catch the boy's eye and say, "14A is right there, next to the window"? It would have saved some confusion, and allowed boarding to proceed in a much more organized manner.
Gentle Reader,
Minding one's own business is an excellent concept, but like all such guidelines, it has its limits. Miss Manners trusts that you would not use it to conclude that a stranger screaming "Help!" from a swimming pool would resent outside interference.
Had you criticized the parents for not guiding the child, that would have been an example of your not minding your own business. To have offered the needed factual information would have been useful.
*******
Dear Miss Manners,
I have a milestone birthday coming up, and my mother asked me what I wanted to do for my birthday. I responded that I wanted to go to one of my favorite restaurants, and she responded in turn by suggesting that she host a dinner or cook out at her and my father's home, and invite a good friend of mine, whom I grew up with, and my mom does not get to see very often.
My mom has done this before -- asking what you want to do, and making a point to say "it's your day" as if it is up to you, and then stating what she really wants to do.
My husband thinks the event should be my choice, and I should stick to my guns, as the saying goes. Additionally, my parents and my long-time friend live quite a distance apart, and the restaurant would be a closer meeting point. What is Miss Manners' point of view?
Gentle Reader,
That you should have invited your parents to the restaurant.
Granted that your mother should not have made such an open request if she was not prepared to accept your answer. However, Miss Manners sees the subtext as being that she wants to preserve not only the form of letting you choose how to celebrate, but the assumption that the choice was, as in your childhood, limited to what type of party you wanted her to provide at home.
If you feel you are too old -- or if you are not old enough -- to indulge your mother in this little fantasy, you should have announced your plans to her in the form of an invitation. Even now, you can fix things by authorizing your husband to make the arrangements you like, so that you can say, "Oh, Eliot has already made reservations for all of us."
Judith Martin's latest book is No Vulgar Hotel: The Desire and Pursuit of Venice. She is also the author ofMiss Manners' Guide toExcruciatingly Correct Behavior (Freshly Updated). She and her husband, a scientist and playwright, live in Washington, D.C. They have two perfect children, of course.
