Each week, Miss Manners answers questions exclusively from the MSN audience on all of your etiquette dilemmas. (Have an issue you want help with? Send in a question today or talk about your own problems on our MissManners message board.) Read on for this week's hot topics:
Dear Miss Manners,
I have three children, two of whom -- the younger two -- are tidy eaters, and have no real difficulties with table manners. The eldest is not inclined towards tidiness, and we have unfortunately not taught her good table manners, for various reasons that will sound like excuses.
We have erred on the side of aiming for peaceful family dinners, where she would eat some food, rather than ones where she would get upset and angry about her cutlery not working, etc. She is now seven, absent-minded by nature (eg. wipes her hands on the tablecloth rather than the napkin), a wee bit klutzy and beginning to be unpleasant to dine with. We eat together as a family (under the assumption that this is good for us all :).
How do we teach her table manners at this late stage? She is bright and engaging and mostly lovely, but unfortunately inclined towards sloppiness.
Gentle Reader,
This may be time for some judicious sibling rivalry. Nothing venal, Miss Manners assures you. Just a word to the older child that the younger ones are doing fairly well, but that you need her help in demonstrating the finer points.
If this does not inspire her, you might try repeating it in front of the younger children. They will take great pleasure in pointing out her faults, which will wear on her more than any nagging of yours.
*******
Dear Miss Manners,
For years now, when I've invited someone to my home for lunch, dinner, a cold drink, etc., my friends (all of them) turn the invitation into "let's meet at a restaurant." It began about five years ago, and increased to the point at which all such events are now at restaurants of some sort.
After much consideration, I have come to the conclusion that my friends feel that they would have to return the invitation in their homes, which is a burden to them. How can I let them know that they don't have to return the invitation (I know, they should), but if they do, they could host it at a restaurant?
There isn't any reason that I can think of that my home in particular isn't visit-worthy, and my husband is pleasant and likable. I'm in my 60s, am an ordinary housewife, and am in several clubs. People appear to enjoy my company at club events, and invite me to do things outside of organizational activities.
I enjoy entertaining, and over the years have developed a wonderful collection of tableware and flatware, etc. which I'd like to use. Entertaining at home is so much easier than trying to hear conversation in a crowded restaurant. I miss it. Can you help me?
Gentle Reader,
Your guess sounds right to Miss Manners. But what a shame it is that, having ceased to offer home hospitality, which is the best and most flattering way to entertain, these people feel they must discourage others from doing so.
To establish yourself as the last living real hostess (other than Miss Manners), you will be reduced to pleading how much you love to cook and that it is no trouble to you at all. Let us hope that it will eventually occur to those who benefit from this to treat you when you go out, but Miss Manners, like you, would not count on it.
Judith Martin's latest book is No Vulgar Hotel: The Desire and Pursuit of Venice. She is also the author ofMiss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior (Freshly Updated). She and her husband, a scientist and playwright, live in Washington, D.C. They have two perfect children, of course.
