Each week, Miss Manners answers questions exclusively from the MSN audience on all of your etiquette dilemmas. (Have an issue you want help with? Send in a question today or talk about your own problems on our MissManners message board.) Read on for this week's hot topics:
Dear Miss Manners,
I am the mother of two children with a gap of nearly eleven years between them. I must admit I am a bit rusty on birthday etiquette. In the past, we have always opened gifts as a conclusion to the party. Until recently, I have never seen it done differently.
Now, as my youngest child's social circle is growing to include classmates, we have been to a few parties where the parents did not open gifts at the party. Rather, they let the child open the gifts at home and then sent lovely thank you notes to acknowledge the gift (and more importantly the thought behind the gift).
I was a little curious about this because it was different than any of my previous experiences but do not know any of the parents well enough to bring it up in conversation. I guessed it might be because the party venue did not allow for enough time to open gifts during the party rental times.
As I am planning my youngest child's next birthday party, I have given some thought to opening gifts at home as well or planning time into the celebrations specifically for opening gifts. I have searched the internet for some form of advice about this and I keep getting mixed answers.
Some people say it is alright and some say it is rude and inconsiderate. I have been giving some thought to this and have found pros and cons to both. What is the correct way to handle this?
Gentle Reader,
As it happens, this is a matter on which Miss Manners has recently issued A Pronouncement. And she has sided against the traditionalists.
Whoever thought it was a good idea to have a group of children sit around watching one child getting lots of stuff? The strain on the young host to exclaim over everything, including duplicates and disappointments, is equaled by the strain on the guests to conceal envy, as well as fear that their contributions don't match up.
Parents who have decided that it is more effective to teach gratitude in private, through forced writing of letters of thanks (let us hope that they are not sparing the children that), have done a favor for themselves and for their young guests.
*******
Dear Miss Manners,
Over the last two years, I have healthfully dieted and exercised my way to an almost 75 pound weight loss. My new looks have provoked comments from friends and acquaintances that are often rude and out of line, ranging from something along the lines of "You look bony, you should really start eating again" to "How much did you weigh before... And how much do you weigh now?"
I have tried to explain to people that my weight loss was a personal experience I don't care to discuss, but they don't seem to care. How can I politely point out that I find their questions offensive, besides the fact that their intentions in asking them appear extremely questionable?
Gentle Reader,
You don't have to point out that the questions are offensive; you only have to avoid answering them. Miss Manners recommends ignoring the questions by saying, "You look terrific. I don't know how you do it."
Judith Martin's latest book is No Vulgar Hotel: The Desire and Pursuit of Venice. She is also the author ofMiss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior (Freshly Updated). She and her husband, a scientist and playwright, live in Washington, D.C. They have two perfect children, of course.
