Miss Manners: The 'And Guest' Dilemma

Plus, another Gentle Reader is curious about the best response to "What's the word?" Miss Manners, as always, has a reply.

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Each week, Miss Manners answers questions exclusively from the MSN audience on all of your etiquette dilemmas. (Have an issue you want help with? Send in a question today or talk about your own problems on our MissManners message board.) Read on for this week's hot topics:

Dear Miss Manners,
In planning and executing our daughter's wedding we have run into a phenomena that is creating a problem. For the single people invited some were invited along with 'Mr. Allen & Guest'; others were 'Mr. Allen' meaning no guest invited for that person. However, some people for whom a guest was not included have responded that they are coming and bringing a guest. This throws the planned number of guests for both the wedding and the reception into a larger event that we plan to pay for.

Question #1: Is this an item of manners that has somehow slipped out of date and no one uses it or teaches it? Should people know this and are just using bad manners or are they ignorant of the rule? If so, how can one plan for an event based on a certain amount of people and budget?

Question #2: How does one go about handling this? Call the person and let them know that an accompanying guest was not included in their invitation?

Gentle Reader,
It is true that no one should assume the right to bring a guest, but you are in a weak position here, Miss Manners regrets to say.

"And guest" does not belong on any invitation. If you do not know the name of the person from whom a real guest is inseparable, you should ask and issue the invitation by name.

Having put it on some, you are going to have trouble calling the miscreants and saying, "We'd love to meet your friend another time, but the wedding is just for people we know, and we are hoping you will be one of them."

*******

Dear Miss Manners,
I like reading your common sense stuff! I have a question. A morning greeting at my work place is "What's the word?" What in the world does that mean, and what is the best response?

Gentle Reader,
"Good morning." Or, since only one was requested, Miss Manners will allow you to slur it by saying cheerfully, "'morning!"

Send Miss Manners a question

^{Judith Martin's latest book is No Vulgar Hotel: The Desire and Pursuit of Venice. She is also the author of}^{Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior}^{(Freshly Updated). She and her husband, a scientist and playwright, live in Washington, D.C. They have two perfect children, of course.}

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mmharris

Tuesday, 01 December 2009 17:30:13

Am I the only one that feels a sense of relief when I don't get invited to a friend's wedding? I HATE weddings. The only thing worse than a wedding is a wedding shower. I love the people but dread the events.

Big JuJu

Sunday, 15 November 2009 17:34:42

A couple of things first I have a problem with people that feel weddings are the family cookout and just show up! Anyone that has every planned one realizes the costs involved. I feel a wedding should be for close intimate friends and family not for everyone that you have ever spoken to so even if the person is coming from out of town they should know someone or heard about someone attending the wedding no should have to hold anyone's hand and entertain them. Also everything is not for everyone get a babysitter and leave your children home or stay home with them besides why subject your children to the longs hours of a wedding and reception who is that fair to. Last please RSVP I was at a wedding where the person did not RSVP so of course they were not planned for well not only did not RSVP but showed up with four extra unknown people in tow. Which meant the bride and groom was summoned and had to come up with money on the spot for five plates again that they had not planned or budgeted for again was that fair to. As far as your gift exceeding your dinner if that's how you feel and what your think please keep your gift and stay home. Until you plan a wedding you will see the cost more than exceeds the cost of your meal oh boy does it exceed it. For all you planning your weddings be firm it's your day and your budget!

a healthy dose of reality

Monday, 14 September 2009 11:38:19

I was feeling pretty guilty for not inviting a "male friend" of my co-workers after reading some of the replies to this article. Thankfully, I got some very good advice from my best friend and bridesmaid who said:

"You are not ENTITLED to a guest. You are not ENTITLED to ANYTHING at someone else's wedding. So sit down, shut up, eat your meal, drink your drink, dance your dance, and go home! Be glad YOU were invited. Being a wedding guest is supposed to be an honor and I think people have forgotten that."

Well said, Kristin, well said.

HoiAn

Sunday, 13 September 2009 14:37:16

"What's the word?"
"Johannisburg!"

"What's the word?"
"Coelacanth!"

"What's the word?"
"Polymorph!"

etc.

otr8gs

Friday, 11 September 2009 06:37:37

I agree that the bride and groom should invite only those they choose and that no polite invitee would simply assume to add to the guest list. HOWEVER, ettiquette can get in the way of feelings here. I've been living with my SO for 2yr. When my cousin invited me to her wedding she addressed the invitation to me only. Since she lived some distance away it would mean an overnight trip, etc. While I CAN travel without my SO, I didn't choose to do so for this occasion and sent my regrets. I wasn't offended; just honoring the invitation as written, and I sent a nice gift. Later I found that she was terribly hurt and was saying that of course my SO could have come with me. So, by following the proper ettiquette, I didn't tell her WHY I wasn't attending and she didn't know to add my SO. Sometimes straight talk trumps manners.

oceankitten

Wednesday, 02 September 2009 15:00:19

i discovered, at my wedding, that it doesn't matter what you put on the invitation, people are arrogant enough to do whatever they want. my wedding and reception were supposed to be child-free (and this really was not a surprise to anyone as my family and my husband's family knew that i didn't like kids--i had just walked away from my potential career in teaching because i couldn't stand to be around the monsters while i was student teaching), and lo and behold, people rsvp'd their kids, or just showed up with them, throwing the seating and food off. every one of the invitations i sent out had specific names on them (including significant others, instead of "and guest") but nobody asked if they "could" bring so-and-so, they just said, i AM bringing so-and-so...with the implication of "screw your child-hating attitude, you obviously don't know what you want." to this day (15 years later), i still don't speak to my husband's godmother, who saw fit to not only bring her three kids, but her neighbor's three as well...

jaschreurs72

Wednesday, 02 September 2009 09:55:59

Miss Manners is not suggesting that you leave out a significant other that you do not know. What she is saying is that if you want to invite them to your wedding, have the decency to call your friend/family member and find out the name of their significant other so that you can invite them properly.

goto girl

Tuesday, 01 September 2009 05:46:48

I would include "and guest". I think you should allow for the fact some relatives and friends will have a significant other who you may not know. I know before I was married and was dating the same man for a while, I really appreciated having someone who I knew well really to talk with.

If it is someone who you know doesn't have someone in their life for a long time, like that crazy old aunt who never will be with anyone, I think you can leave the and guest off.

I wanted my guest to enjoy themselves, even if I didn't know their date.

Single Guest

Thursday, 20 August 2009 18:43:09

I don't agree with Miss Manners on this topic. We are a very "couple" orientated society. If you are not in a couple people you are an oddity, people aren't quite sure where you fit in.

If you care enough about a person to invite them to your wedding you should care that they are comfortable and have an enjoyable time. If you can't afford this person to bring a guest then you shouldn't have such an elaborate wedding.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who attends a wedding out of respect and love for the couple... I certainly don't go because I get a free meal and a "night on the town". I can purchase my own dinner and I can really think of better ways to spend a Saturday afternoon and evening than attending a wedding. I think most guests would bring a gift equal to or surpassing the cost of the meal so it's really not free anyway.

I personally am single and have no problem attending an event such as a wedding by myself but I would be put out and offended if my invitation did not include "and guest".

Children are another story. Unless the invitation specifically says children are invited (age 0-whatever) I would assume they are NOT invited. Do you bring your children to the office, the opera, etc.? There are some things in life that are not for children. I personally think it would be appropriate to bring a child to the reception if it was in a church or such a venue where there would not be a limit on seating, but definitely not a sit down meal.... do you think the caterer cares if the plate is for a 4 year old or an adult?

People who bring their kids and pets everywhere without considering their host's feelings are rude. I don't own a dog because I don't want hair and germs in my home why would I want somebody else's dog in my house?

augustanastar

#10

Thursday, 20 August 2009 14:14:58

Personally, I support the "and guest" approach. If I were to draw a line that significant others we do not know are not invited to our wedding, certain friends' husbands and wives would be excluded. In an age when post-college grads spread throughout the world and maintain very, very busy schedules, keeping in touch can be difficult. However, even if I can only afford a few long e-mail conversations a few times a year with a friend in Japan, and not meet her boyfriend in person (because he's in Japan), I hardly think that lessens the strength of our bond we built years ago. I'm looking forward to meeting him, and I hope that if we are friends in the future, he could have shared in our celebration.

So my fiance and I chose to allow significant others we do not know to attend, because we'd love to meet the people that make our loved ones happy. But in the 25-30 age range, how do you assess who is in a serious relationship? I have been engaged longer than some of my other engaged friends have even known their fiances. I have friends who have broken up 3 times with their fiances in the last few months alone (and none of it surprisingly). I have friends who, when I ask, "Is he your boyfriend?" they respond, "I don't know." I have friends who have been dating their live-in boyfriends for almost 10 years and have no idea when these men will propose. I have friends with legitimate live-in boyfriends and I have friends with boyfriends who just "stay there." We have friends who just started dating someone a few months ago, and by the time they are to RSVP, their relationship may be serious. We have married friends who have no intention of bringing their husbands or wives.

My fiance and I have enough work assessing the state of our own relationship, and decided that the "line" on who can bring a date we don't know because their relationship is serious is just too hard for us to draw at this stage in our lives. We feel we made a significant effort to find out the names that should go on each envelope according to our friends' preferences, and for the two dozen or so who had no preference, are nervous to see the name of their significant other for fear or jinxing the new relationship, or for the few who think the relationship will not last until this coming December, we put "and guest," to allow them the flexibility to let late-20's life change as it will. It is a far better alternative, I feel, than forcing them to predict with certainty the unpredictable.

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