Lifetime

Are you friend dependent?

By Kathleen Jacobs for Lifetimetv.com

We know you: savvy, independent, a go-getter. So why do you still care so much what your close confidantes think? "Too many women can't make decisions because we've been taught that other people know what's better for us than we know ourselves," says Gail Harris, author of "Your Heart Knows the Answer: How to Trust Yourself and Make the Choices That Are Right for You." It's great to have a support system, but not so healthy when that girlfriend network becomes a crutch. "How many times have you had a gut feeling and then paid later when you didn't have the strength to follow it?" says Harris. And when you're disconnected from yourself, your self-esteem is gone, she says. So are you over-reliant on your friends? Take our quiz and find out!

Results

Your score is: 
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0- 2 Points:

You can stand alone, sister! You love your pals but you're just fine spending time solo, thank you very much. Good for you that you have a wonderful sense of independence, says Tina Tessina, Ph.D., and author of "It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction." Just remember that it's OK to rely on your girlfriends, too. "Being a friend means you spend time with your friends because you choose to, you like them and they enrich your life, and not because you're desperate," says Dr. Tessina.

3- 5 Points:

You're close to clingy. If the thought of doing anything without your best buds makes you cringe -- especially making, gasp, a decision without them, you could have a problem. "You may be depending on your friends too much to make you feel good," says Tina Tessina, Ph.D., and author of "It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction." You need to work on enjoying your own company and trusting your own opinions. "Learning to love yourself improves all your relationships, especially your friendships, and gives your life meaning."

6- 7 Points:

Dial N for needy! Here's the crazy thing: You desperately want to be surrounded by pals, but your clinginess actually makes being your pal a bit of a grind, says Tina Tessina, Ph.D., and author of "It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction." "There's nothing more valuable than being a friend to yourself," she says, noting that boosting your self-esteem will reduce your sense of desperation and actually improve your life.

  1. You spot a close friend at the mall with someone you introduced her to. You feel:
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    Feeling abandoned? Think your pals are ganging up against you? You may just be using your imagination to conjure up negative messages, such as your buds cutting you out. "If you don't think you're worthwhile, you'll keep reinterpreting what your friends do to back up your conclusion," says Tessina. It's not likely the two conspired to exclude you, adds relationships expert Elizabeth Carll, Ph.D. In fact, they're probably not thinking about you at all. A better question is: Were you sitting around waiting to be invited? Not taking the initiative is another sign of dependence. Take charge and people will be attracted to your confidence.

  2. You spend lots of your free time thinking about people -- your boss, boyfriend, best friend -- who aren't actually nearby at that moment.
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    Girl, you've got a problem when you can't even star in your own mental movie production. To shift the focus to you, start by getting to know your own opinions. Tessina suggests a TV-watching exercise in which you comment about shows out loud. "It's not a crime to talk aloud to yourself," she says. Or make a mental list of things to think about that all center around you -- what your goals are for the week, planning for your next vacation, or what you'll buy on your next shopping spree -- then go for a walk. "We spend too much time being spaced out," she says. "And then we use our time alone to do things we hate, such as housework. The trick is to enjoy your time together with yourself."

  3. Thank God it's Friday -- and you're home alone. How are you holding up?
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    When you're constantly craving company -- to entertain you, laugh at your jokes, or make you feel important -- your self-esteem is suffering. Build up your alone time tolerance gradually, says Dr. Carll. "Take an hour to do something you enjoy," she says. "It doesn't have to be as dramatic as spending a couple of days alone." The goal? To realize someone else doesn't have to be there to make an outing worthwhile.

  4. Hooray! You just got asked out by some cutie, but you don't know if you like him. Who do you call?
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    He's hot, he asked you out, and you need to take a census about it? You have to learn to trust your judgment, so you don't have to seek constant opinions, says expert Karen Sherman, Ph.D. For example, if you meet a guy and aren't sure if you should go out with him, don't whip out the cell and ask your friend what she would do. Instead, take baby steps toward independence, says Sherman. "Meet him for coffee and ask yourself what you feel about how it went -- before you get input from anyone else." The trick to feeling worthy is to treat your opinion as one that's worth hearing.

  5. Your very favorite gal pal just got the latest "it" bag. It's expensive, but you absolutely have to own one too.
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    "Women often pick their friends because they think they're more superior in some way -- more successful with guys or in their career," says Sherman. And, be honest, they're more polished when it comes to style. "It's all about looking for approval to figure out your own look," says Sherman. The remedy? Go shopping...all by yourself. "Look at what's on the mannequins, touch the fabrics and hold things up to a mirror," adds Tessina. "See what looks good on you, and stop stealing someone else's fashion sense."

  6. You promised to watch the big game with your sweetie when your BFF calls and asks you to go shopping. You:
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    Lesson # 1: The most important person in your life should be...you. Lesson # 2: If you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of anyone else. And taking care of yourself means protecting your integrity and following through on promises. "Sure, you can shift priorities depending on what's going on with whom," says Tessina. "If your friend just had a cancer diagnosis, she's more important at that moment. That said, your life with your husband or boyfriend should have some priority."

  7. Your closest cohort confesses she wants to move closer to her family -- in another state. You:
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    It's OK to feel glum, says Carll, but being angry or devastated is not a healthy reaction. Look at what else is in your life to uncover why one person has become all important; you should always strive to have a wide net of chums, she says. So cultivate some new relationships by getting out there and getting involved in your community, taking a class or even just inviting your neighbors over for a Super Bowl party. "It's good to have a few close friends, but having a larger group provides more support in the long run," she says.

Thank you for taking our quiz!

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