Dear Miss Manners,
Is there any polite way to ask guests to leave once the host feels the party needs to end?
My husband and I are hospitable people. We have opened our home over a dozen times this year to various family, friends, groups of people, etc. I humbly admit we have a very nice backyard and receive many compliments from our guests. My spouse and I make a sincere effort to provide a warm pool, good food, nice company, etc. Many of our guests make comments such as "I feel so relaxed here!" or "I am so comfortable in your home."
I understand when you host a party, the guests are expected to stay a couple hours. However, I feel that guests that come to our home more than overstay their welcome. It doesn't matter what particular group of friends or family we invite. Also, it doesn't matter what time of day (morning or evening) that we start the party. Everyone just seems to love our house and never wants to leave. For instance, my daughter's baptism party started at 1 p.m. The last guest left our home at 11 p.m.! I've noticed that every party we have this is the case.
After six to seven hours of visiting, I drop subtle (and not so subtle) hints that it is getting late and we need things to end. I make sure I am seen cleaning up plates and food. My husband has made comments of "Gee, it is getting late and I have to work tomorrow." I've made announcements such as "All the kids need to get out of the pool. They've been in there for eight hours now."
Nothing seems to work. Our comments are pretty much ignored. Am I unreasonable in expecting parties to end after a six to seven hour time frame? Is there a kind way to ask guests to leave, or should my husband and I give up entertaining altogether?
Gentle Reader,
Don't give up entertaining. So few people do it now, which may explain why your guests are confused about the difference between a hospitable home and a boarding house.
The least subtle way to get rid of guests that is still polite is to say goodbye to them. This is done almost as if you were the ones who were leaving. You stand up, approach them, and say, "It was wonderful having you here. We must do this soon again." If you remain standing in front of them, Miss Manners promises that they will arise, too, and then you can slowly walk toward the door.
At the last minute, she recommends remembering that you live there, and not going out.
****
Dear Miss Manners,
I am a 20 year old college student from Boston and I need your advice concerning giving money to those less fortunate. I honestly try to give as much as I can, however, being that I am a poor college student myself, how do I politely turn down someone who asks me for spare change when cash is low without sounding extremely rude or coming off as I'm better than the asker? The last thing I want to do is make their situation worse than it already is! Thank you for making the world a more polite place, one letter at a time.
Gentle Reader,
And Miss Manners thanks you for recognizing that all human beings should be treated with dignity. That is what you need to convey, whether or not you comply with the request. Just look at the person regretfully and say "Sorry," as you pass.
Judith Martin's latest book is No Vulgar Hotel: The Desire and Pursuit of Venice. She is also the author of Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior (Freshly Updated). She and her husband, a scientist and playwright, live in Washington, D.C. They have two perfect children, of course.
